2nd-Jun-2008 02:20 am - Time is of essence here I say
Over the years, I have a grown to have immense respect for Time. Although, I wouldn't dare to define Time. I know one thing for sure; the characteristic impermanence of this world we live in is defined by Time. Like I once said, Time does not change us...it just unfolds us. (coincidentally I said that around this "time" in 2005)
Long time since I jotted down my thoughts. As time passes by, the less and less I know myself. I fail to recognise myself amidst the flowing crowds. It's so easy to give in. Sufferance is for those who don't give in, but take refuge in the idea of giving in.
We always have choices. Few of us make the right ones. And among the rest who don't there are a bunch who believe they'll stand against the odds. One of those unfortunate happenings happens to be yours truly.
And to make non-nonsensical sense* of all this -
I've been awfully busy with work. Rather, I've "chosen" to be awfully busy with work. I'd say, this has been he case since December last year. I did not stop, I did not turn back, I kept on cranking and cranking on designing, re-designing this data model, developing & building this. Insane hours. Insane pressure. Financial Information world isn't fun. Shit happens, you have to deal with it. That's what you are prepared for. Life is just hectic.
It's not yet over, but then I took a moment to ask myself... Is this really me? What has become of me? I don't call people any more. I don't meet people until they show up at my doorstep. I don't reach out to any one. I have made sure nobody, no one and nothing disturbs my perfect life in my own little bubble. No, this isn't me snapping or ranting. I don't call any one because I have nothing to say. I work, that is all I do.
I wake up...reach office by 9:30 stay till about 10 in the night, get back home...unwind** a bit and then sleep. The next day the cycle continues. I love what I do... sadly a bit too much. There's suspense, thrill, tragedy, comedy, insanity at work. I meant the work, not the colleagues.
The work is challenging and hectic and now it's taking a toll on my personal life. I don't have time for anyone or anything...not even myself. I don't spend "my time" with myself any more. Ah! those glorious old stoned, sloshed days where I'd just lay there in a pool of my own thoughts, basking in the ray of bright ideas and drenched in dark humour. I miss those days.
Suddenly this brick of enlightenment hit me. No matter how busy you are, you always have time for yourself. You just choose not spend it with your good old friend. It's definitely worth time, too bad it's not billed in $
* - Subconsciously I've been using double negatives in my daily conversations. ** - need I describe the water of life?
One warm summer early morning, a boy cycling at wind speed through the empty narrow roads. The shops are still opening their shutters, fresh smell of wet mud as the vegetable seller splashes a mug of water around his sitting area. It was 7:30 am, and the boy was speeding through the roads overtaking the auto-wala loaded with 12 kids and their school bags & water bottles hanging on the sides to maintain balance on those three wheels. Ringing his cycle bell as he rode through long winding road caused by the cattle standing on either side of the narrow road. It was a shortcut; the one which will let him reach his morning maths tuition exactly 2 minutes before she arrived. He'd always park his bicycle behind the tree and stand there and wait. Those 2 minutes were like a 2 hour wait for him... he used to count the black ants that climbed up the tree. It was always around 36 before she showed up. But this time after 42 ants climbed up; when the 43rd was climbing there was a weird high pitch siren. The boy panicked and looked around. He saw nothing, people were walking on streets as they heard nothing. He asked himself "What is going on?". And then suddenly he realised, the siren is from the other world.
I opened my eyes. It was 9:15am and it was the darn Alarm clock that was on snooze since 8:30am. The first words "I am Fuct!". Woke up to a cold rainy morning in New York and I said to myself "It's all right just email your Boss that you will walk in late today". And then I decided not to. Instead, walked into the shower, put the cold water on max, and screamed in my head. I towel myself dry, put on some warm clothes and I look at the tooth brush. I mocked at it "It's not your day brother, you don't get to kiss my teeth today". Mouthwash! Pop in a gum; served the purpose of brushing and morning breakfast supplement sugar. As I ran to the subway station, I felt the chill and drops of rain on my glasses. I scream in my head "Phook! Remember to buy an umbrella today, moron". Made it to the station caught the 9:30am train; reached office building by 10:14am. I was constantly muttering "I hope there is no one for the 37th and 46th floor". I made it to the elevator, walked in and pressed 49. Looked to the left and to the right, "All clear Captain, we see no troops for the elevator. The travel is going to be precisely 30 secs to the 49th floor".
Just when the doors were closing I hear a high pitch screech "Wait!". I was like "Phook! Who is this now? She better be going to 49th floor, for I am already late". And then she walks in; pin striped trousers, white vertically striped shirt, black bra, brown hair and Nike shoes. She hits 51. As the elevator shoots up she removes her Nike shoes and puts on black pointed toe, high heeled sandals. Opens her hair, did some shaking around, tied it back. That is all she did; and in under 20 secs I see a business damn-sel professional....whew. And then 49th floor bell rings "Ting!". This time I couldn't keep it in my head. "Damn", I say. She looks and smiles and says "Have a good day". I smile back and say "You too. Nice...." [Ting! the elevator door closes] "...hair? :( Damn!"
Walk in and sit down quietly at my desk. Mr. Pentrotski staring at me says "Most kind of you, Sir. It was just a Black Bra you effing perv. Stop imagining her. Focus! You are at work". [INSERT-REGULAR-WORK-DAY]Yadee-Yadda[/INSERT-REGULAR-WORK-DAY]
I walk out at 7:45pm from work. Say to myself again "Phook! Remember to buy an umbrella todaytomorrow, moron". Catch the subway, reach my destination. I am walking towards home. I stopped outside my gate and say to myself "Better check the mail". I open the other gate and I hear "Hello?". I shift my entire weight on my right leg and lean towards my right. I say "Peter! What are you doing up there?". I see my landlord on a ladder up against the wall fixing the side-path light. Peter is the landlord of the house I live in and my friend. An Italian 46 year old friendly guy with a big heart. He says "Hey Pinak...my man! How you doing? I haven't seen you in a long time. Come over here and tell me if you see the shed well lit up". I helped him fix the light and then as he walks down he asked me "Bro! You wanna get high tonight?". I said, "Yeah Man! You got something on you?"". Peter grins and says, "Fucking A". He says "You got your Pipe?". I grin, "Absolutely!". We smoked some real good weed. It was amazing, we both got the hit. As we are talking, he pauses and stares for 15 secs and says "Shit! that's my girl, sober up". We both look/act normal and sober. Launa, the Ukrainian land lady(a wonderful person) comes over and says "Hey Pinak! Long since we saw you... Are you hiding in your basement?". Peter & Launa are really nice to me. She asks "Would you care for some coffee?". I was elated, "Yes! Absolutely!" I screamed. As she walks through the door, I ask Peter "Have I got any mail?". He hands me over my letters. I look at one and giggle and read it out to him "Information on your Retirement Plans". He is like "No man! This is the time you should be saving up. Put that juicy cash in your 401(k) brother, by the time you retire you'll be rolling in money". I was like "Yeah! True True". He asks me "You doing all right bro? Haven't seen you in a while. You shacking up some bitches down there?". I laugh and say "No man! Not me". He says, "What's wrong with you? These are your prime fucking years bro. At your age I was like a dog in heat, fucking around the bitches. You gotto get some good fuck bro. Else, it'll fuck you up". I couldn't have disagreed.
We walked in. As she was preparing coffee, Peter was checking his emails. He whispers to me "Pinak! come here, check this out man". We are checking out naked pics of the weather reporter from channel 11...shez hot (I forget her name); and then Launa calls out from the kitchen "Coffee is ready guys". We turn off the screen, grab our chairs and move closer to the table. I tell you Italian espresso is the best. Amazing coffee! As I sipped I started to feel the hit of the cannabis. I enjoyed the trip. After a while I went back to my basement studio. I searched through the papers and found the menu. I say to myself "Tonight we go Malaysian :)". I ordered some Roti Canai and Malaysian Curry Chicken with Hainanese Rice. Fantabulous I say... I hogged like a pig. That was some good weed, Peter. Thank You.
And now you know what made me type this short story.
13th-Sep-2007 01:04 am - You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...
I don't know what to say... no i really don't know what to say. I have really nothing to say. But, then I can't stop saying that I don't have anything to say. I am so lame, give me love. I am so sad, give me sympathy. Sé español. Por favor el sir, lame mis bolas. I was the first to pick the Harry Potter book and finished it in a day. it was so awesome. I have no life, I am a techie and I name all my equipments. I even have a name for my wrist watch its called Jenna Jameson. I hate this world and everyone should die. Ithinkthereadersaredumb assesand soIhyperlinkeverythingtoshow off that my balls are bigger.
That was the short summary of what i read on LJ these days. Yep, I do read. bleh! :|
Oh well... I shouldn't really bitch about it. My lunch is usually at my desk staring at two 20" screens... without much choice I end up reading my Friend's page religiously everyday. It's my break from work and break from staring at code. whew! Life is beautiful and it seems to be showering all the love on me.
A'ight! here is the news. On 2nd of July I made the move...
I have life, I am not yet a techie and I name some of my equipments (the non-organic ones). Else, next thing you know I am talking to my penis Me: "Hey penstrotski! How is it hanging in there today?" Penstrotski: "A little to the left, Monsieur" Me: "Sigh! Life must be all earthquakes and floods for you" Pentrotski: "Monsieur, life would be a little better if you stopped ogling at her boobs"
It was a Special Edition starting at $1199/- no longer on website. But with little search on their website u come across this! Now the starting price is $1700/- its crazy! (with my config... you'll go above $3000)
Life Update: - I moved to NYC on 14th April. - I started work as a DBA/Engineer at CapitalIQ on 16th April. - I moved into a beautiful studio apartment for $800 a month. The place is in Brooklyn in a nice Italian/Ukrainian/Russian neighbourhood. I haven't seen a single Indian in the locality so far (and I am happy about it). - I have no furniture. - I sleep in a sleeping bag. - I will own Alienware Area-51® m5790 :D and survive on bread n butter for next 3 weeks till I get my paycheck. - My Bank Balance has hit rock bottom. - I was unemployed and had no money...now I am employed and I have no money. - If you are reading this and you are in NYC please meet me :( I have no TV, no laptop (till may 1st), no radio and no source of any entertainment and i live alone. Please please...spare me from turning into a psycho! :(( - I come back from work at 7:30pm-8:00pm.. sit on my sleeping bag. period. - Well...being in NYC u might wonder why am I sitting at home? Well...the weather has been nasty lately with rains. Except for the weekend which was amazing - This weekend I freaked out- Saturday: hookah. pitcher. drunk. bar. hot chic. dance. boob. booze. peed on street. 5am. metro. bums. Sunday: 46-yr old Italian landlord was cleaning his BMW...I joined in! :D Later his Italian friend comes over with his yellow El Camino. I did the "wax on-wax off" (Mr. Miagi style from Karate Kid). Man! cleaning that El Camino and hot Ukrainian chicks walking past you and giving that grin ... I say thats the perfect Sunday Afternoon. Beautiful weather! Then we had an what Peter(Italian landlord) calls it as Italian BBQ.... regular BBQ but the "Italian" hospitality to it. With few bottles of Frankenbourg and his amazing BBQ...that was a perfect Sunday. Work at office is good. I like it so far.
PS: Laptop weighs 8.7 pounds = 3.946 kilograms :D. Soon u will meet a man in good shape and huge biceps! ;)
"One needs either inspiration or desperation in life to progress ahead. Mine was desperation!" Maybe someday I could say it the other way round. :)
Google TiSP (BETA) is a fully functional, end-to-end system that provides in-home wireless access by connecting your commode-based TiSP wireless router to one of thousands of TiSP Access Nodes via fiber-optic cable strung through your local municipal sewage lines.
The Transformation as they say, has been a rather interesting one for me. Too much analysis on this might just destroy it. In brief, transformation or growth implies change; change involves stepping from the known to unknown which implies risk. And, taking risks is the most thrilling part of life. :)
I was at the Iron Maiden Concert (2006 Tour). It was BRRRILLIANT! Nothing can describe how/what I felt yesterday. They are Gods! Pics should be up soon.
The tour was mainly to promote their new Album (A Matter of Life and Death). Some of my favourite songs are - The Pilgrim, Out of the Shadows, For the Greater good of God, The Legacy.
They played the entire Album followed by: Fear of the Dark, 2 Minutes to Midnight, Hallowed be thy name, The evil that men do and all. Fear of the Dark gets better each time. The feeling to be there live, head banging to "Fear of the Dark" can not simply be put in words. I was high on music. It was just an amazing experience. I lived another unforgettable moment in my life :) I wish I could describe it better. In simple words, it was just brriliant! :D
I lost my voice and have a stiff neck. IRON MAIDEN R0X!
I am in a indecisive state, so I ask you for your take is on this.
I have learned from past that It is always helpful to get variety of perceptions from people not necessarily in your domain of work.
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Part 1: Job
Okay...I need help to sell myself! :( There is a career fair tomorrow and I gotta distribute my Resume http://www.cs.jhu.edu/~pinak/Resume.pdf -> My re-vamped Resume Suggestions/advise/pointers?
Apart from that, since some of my LJ-friends are "employed", what companies would you suggest I apply to? (rather what companies do you think will hire me?)
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Part 2: PhD
I have been thinking of applying for a PhD for quite sometime... Europe, US, & Canada seem favourable as of now.
Research Interest -> Computer Vision, Machine Learning, Medical Robotics/Imaging
Research Areas -> All of the above + Data Warehousing, Reputation Systems, Game Theory, Bioinformatics
Any Advise/Suggestions?
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I am hoping to graduate this December if my thesis gets completed. Thesis is in the area of Vision and Learning Systems (will go into details later)
Plan#1 -> Get a job work few years and apply for PhD
Plan#2 -> Apply for PhD, get a job and work. If I get accepted into PhD program quit job.
Plan#3 -> Try to get into Johns Hopkins Phd program. (doesn't look likely)
Irrespective of what/who/where you are... if you have something to suggest, please do.
What would you call it when a man sleeps with his clone? - Homosexuality OR Masturbation
Its an open question and is logically debatable on both sides.
Open to other possible options/answers. There isn't really any right or wrong answer. So please be kind enough to ponder over this for few minutes independently and provide an insight to this.
For those intellectual wizards lizards who think this question makes-no-sense... I request you to have an open mind and ask "why not?"
26th-Aug-2006 05:42 am - ...And I'm no-body to talk of no-body
Everyone wants to be some-body... I don't understand. Why don't we want to be no-body?
"When you are a no-body, no-one bothers you and no-one is bothered about you."
We have gone to great extents to make ourself belief that we really matter and that our lives are meaningful. Self-significance and self-esteem they say. It is sad how we want to prove we exist, we want to prove that we are significant. Unfortunately, most of them get frustrated in their quest for significance. In today's world of rank-ism, there is competition everywhere. Everyone wants to be some-body, few manage to be some-body. And, then starts the endless desire...a quest.. a quest for significance.
Once becoming members of the winners' circle(aka some-body), the insiders naturally want to maintain their hard-earned privileges by keeping others out as long as they can. The outsiders(aka no-body) will continue to wage a battle to get in, to the extent that they remain driven by the desire to be somebody. Aha! Hence, therefore I conclude we will never be content with what we are. I admit, the truth is each and everyone of us gets to be some-body at some point in time, but only a few realize it until that happens. The rest are cursed never to realize that they have achieved that significance, and most among them have an eternal struggle to be that utopic somebody. They still believe they live in mediocrity, they still believe there is something worthwhile to achieve. To me, blessed are those who live in that curse1.
In this context, I'd classify that there are three kinds of people commonly found:
The some-body: The ones who have always be a winner, the ones you normally grind your teeth at, the ones who make you feel like no-body. Also, the ones, who've recently come to a realization's that they are some-body after all, as if some-one significant who matters to the existence of the universe.
The no-body who wants to be some-body: These are the major chunk of human race. These are what you call as ambitious-people-yet-to-be-successful. They wait a long time in the waiting room of hope till the doors of success open to them. A significant portion of these wannabe significant people are what you call as "driven-by-the-desire-to-succeed", they are the ones one should stay away from. They are blinded by the success they haven't yet tasted, but think they know how it tastes.
The no-body who is glad for being a no-body: Content & happy people. Most of them achieve success (or the rather what they believe/define as success), it needn't be fame, wealth, sex. It could be anything, these are the ones who find pleasure in little things. A few of these are the ones who knowingly/unknowingly achieve the height of success which the "no-body_who_wants_to_be_some-body" hopes to reach and the "some-body" thinks he has reached.
Ha Ha! Tragic it seems to me, for man2 shall never realize his success nor his failure. He who thinks success doesn't matter is the one who achieves peace and maybe "success"(as he defines it). And, then there is he who is disillusioned by what he "thinks" is success and goes on an eternal quest to achieve it until one of the two things happen... either (1)He finds a new meaning to success and lives content with it or (2)He achieves what he was looking for but is not content with it and searches for the next achievable goal3.
Humility! Humility, I must say is what keeps us defeated. Defeated enough to keep us fighting for what we tend to achieve ultimately. Funny it may sound, but humility itself is the hardest to achieve. We can all agree that humility is an admirable quality in others, because we feel safe and comfortable around people who are meek and humble. But when it comes to ourselves, we think humility a hindrance to success and a by-product of failure. How can anyone achieve success without ambition and a competitive spirit? Who does not feel elated and proud after accomplishing something great? Humility seems very un-natural, something foreign to the process of thought. People have often linked humility to self-abasement, and the willingness to be a doormat, which in my opinion is a very wrong notion.
In reality, what we we are trying to fill is the inner void, but we are driven to achieve something which will not satisfy the thirst of the mind. The enlightenment to satisfy this very truth can come only after humility - the wisdom of realizing one's own ignorance, insignificance and lowliness, without which one cannot see the truth. When one feels the ultimate emptiness, the inner void and non-self (selflessness), one is free from the suffering and all illusions of self-deception.
Humility, I say is what is to be achieved. Unfortunately, We humans take our Intelligence for granted and arrogance follows it all the way till death.
1 - The usual contradictory self I must say :) 2 - no sexist feelings. 'man' is used interchangeably with 'human' (also read as whoman)... ah just a typo wouldn't you say from 'woman'. Now there you go, I proved illogically, that man & woman were just typos of each other. 3 - These are the ones who don't rest even after having all the wealth in the world. power, wealth and fame...these are addictive. They have driven men & nations crazy.
13th-Jun-2006 03:59 am - 320GB HDD (Perpendicular Recording Technology)
I finally made the move. I bought this :) Yes... Perpendicular Recording Technology + 320GB for $125. The prices are increasing, it hiked from $115 to $125 over the weekend. I had no time to lose. I made the move. But its a very good deal...a very modest price for something so remarkable. AS the popularity grows, prices will rise :) Get yours soon!
You've just got to look at this animated Flash on Perpendicular Recording.
I am also getting an external case . Now I am ready to take on the world...I am gonna dump anything & everything...all movies...all music...and yes of course there will be a 'soft' corner for Aria Giovanni :)
In other news I have started drinking alone again. I don't know why, I realized it today when I bought a bottle of spiced rum, cooked myself a peaceful meal... I thought I'll meet up with few fellow humans, but instead had a quiet alone dinner, made myself a drink...was reading Tin tin while washing my throat with spiced rum and for some godforsaken reason Captain Haddock reminded me that I've been drinking alone all this while. :| coo coo!
yeah, Im hooked onto this phrase for life 'Coo Coo' (read as Cool Cool with 'l' silent). why? I stole the phrase from my prof. who apparently stole my coffee mug. Thanks to rabiesspreader who erased my name off the mug and prof. picked it up from the lounge by accident thinking it was his. He comes to class sipping coffee on my mug :(( baah! past is past...I must move on... there will be more coffee mugs...I must learn to cope up with the loss of one.
The funny thing is I know I am buzzed, but I hate to admit it... see! I have absolutely nothing to write but I am still writing just to prove myself that I am not drunk and I can write. This is ridiculous I can't stop... I start off with talking about Perpendicular Recording Technology move on to drinking and moaning over the loss of my coffee mug to not-making-any-sense-but-still-going-on.
Randomness.... yes thats it. :D Random! :| oh well... nothing is random, its just that we could never fit a pattern into it. The best part of having a bad memory is that you enjoy several times the same good thing for the first time.
- I was at Columbus attending http://conference.aidindia.org/ The conference was great. Met Ravi Kuchimanchi for the second time, the guy who inspired the movie Swades. Met lotsa ppl of different age groups. It was fun. - Its unberably hot & humid in Baltimore. - I am down with blocked nose and sore throat. - Back to work, back to lab. 3 papers to read... help!? :( no mood. no enthu. This heat puts me off, can't do a single thing and to add on to it I have this blocked nose.
22nd-May-2006 06:05 pm - Vacation....boom... bah! work again
Wednesday, 17th May: Three hour long exam...realised that I am no longer used to writing (its been all typing over the semester). One hour long football game... realised I don't have stamina. Another one hour long ping pong (TT) game... realised foosball was such a thrill and did not require you to move your ass much. got drunk. crashed 4 12 straight hours (to make up for the sleep for last 2 weeks)
Thursday, 18th May: Too bad I don't remember. must hv done something crazy I guess.
Friday, 19th May: Friends. played cards. beer. played cards. whiskey. played more. more booze. played safe. booze over. played till 4:30am. loitered on the streets looking for bread-omelet. I miss India :(. finally found some store selling bread. Got bread. Got egg. Got root? nope Got pan. Made bread omelet. Ate. Slept at 6am. (Fuck the day light is from 5:30 am - 9pm). Thats a fucking long day dude..
Saturday, 20th May: Of course I slept at 6am...what do u expect? woke up. made plans for da vinci. got tickets. saw protests. watched movie. book is far better. vjoy & rabiesspreader got lost & watched another running show of same movie in another screen. rabiesspreader got molested by another guy, who apparently caressed his thigh without realizing that it was rabiesspreader and not his boy/girl friend. Although, u never know how desperate an IITian(rabiesspreader) can get especially after being insulated from female company for 4 years. shit happens. sometimes in theaters. mostly when you are in the wrong show at wrong wrong time...oh and with the wrong guy beside you. of course those two came out before us... as they got into the 6:45 show and we got intro the 7:45 show. Came back home. Got drunk. no food entire day. forgot to eat. went to baja beach club. Saw lesbians make out from a feet distance. One of them had pierced tongue. I think I attained salvation that very moment.
Sunday, 21st May: No alcohol. saw scary movie 4 & Casino (excellent movie!). crashed home at 5am.
Monday, 22nd May: had to go for work today, instead lazed around. got Citizen Kane. got City of God. Sapporo is funny Japanese beer. good beer. LJ. must eat. will eat. remind me to eat.
1. Kuriakose - A guy who has developed aversion to the "industry/slavery" of the IT world. He has worked for Wipro for 6 years in B'lore. a true mallu. roommate/friend/classmate... oh okay lets not emphasize more the 'mate' part shall we.
2. Arun - A male of the homo sapien species from IITM, who thinks getting butt-fucked is awesome! Has a soft corner in his heart and his underwear for me. A beer mate/ciggie mate/movie mate. Oh and we slept together too...not that we did anything....but its cool to say so :D heeeeheee
Both these guys are doing their Masters in Computer Science with me at Hopkins. So long so good!
27th-Apr-2006 02:48 am - He died with a Felafel in his hand
Excuse me for my incoherent and incorrigible accent of English as I am a little drunk. But in the words that I know of so well ... I will try to do justice to this movie which I believe is by far a brilliantly conceived with an ever-so-sensible script.
'He Died with a Falafel in his hand' is based on the novel by John Birmingham.
I prefer calling it Falafel (in the text) than Felafel (on the subject)....personal choice you might say as 'a' is closer to the 'shift-key' than 'e'...not that it matters as I type with just my right hand middle finger, but I am a little superstitious about my middle finger banging more of 'e' than 'a'...Oh well... back to the topic...
Ignoring the Australian accent, which always got me wondering if people could actually speak like that without getting their tongue bit by their molars... I think it is a stylishly done black comedy that is actually funny, not that it was intended to be funny. Being director Lowenstein's fourth-make... I think he did a great job. I'd say the movie was hilarious and poignant.
I suppose John was himself surprised when an innocently written sad life of a man turned out to be so profoundly comical. I sympathize with him for my own personal reasons. Well, yeah some aptly put it as "Comedy emerges out of tragedy". I just say Life is funny, and we must all have some good laugh before we begin to realize that it wasn't intended to be funny in the first place.
Excuse me again as I always go in my Depth-first search strategy before I backtrack and come to the root topic. Coming to the movie, It's a story about a man & his encounters with his typical roommates. Anyone who ever lived with roommates-only-for-rent can always relate to this movie. A quote from the movie that got me realizing that I'd probably die virgin:
"Let's just get this straight. You're 20-something years old, you have no job, no money, very few prospects. You haven't been seen in the vicinity of anything which even faintly resembles a member of the opposite sex in over 6 months. And yet you sit here and tell us that you have some kind of special thing that makes the other side go gaga.Well if it makes them go so fucking gaga what the fuck are you doing here with us losers?"
.... Just Happy! No reason... Just happy! :D I cant just stop smiling.... haha! and believe me 8 hours back I was feeling so low of myself! Nothing has changed in 6 hours except that i slept for 2 hours and woke up... Singing -> "Singing in the rain" Few months back when I was on a movie marathon. I watched this movie "A ClockWork Orange" -> beautiful movie! just amazing! Stanley Kubrick is a genius :) An excerpt from the movie (something which I felt few hours back) ( Skip it! )
Funny song.... I couldnt stop laughing... :)) haha!
In other news, - I am doing an Independent Study & a Masters Thesis. - By the end of this semester I should be done with my course requirements for Masters. - I'll mostly do my Thesis over the summer and next fall and the day I hand over my Thesis I graduate (remember this, "the day I hand over..." life is going to be beautiful now! help!? I'm screwed :|) The best part I neednt pay any tution any more :) Life surely is hectic while doing 12 credits + Masters Thesis(6 credits). But, Pain is pleasure! :D
This is how it happened:
and the truth is:
Viddy well, my Brother. Viddy well. :D
PS: My Advisor stole borrowed my Coffee Mug! Grrrr! Brrr! PPS: He thinks its his and gets it to class everyday. Phhhbbbrrrt! PPS: Life Roxx :D and so do my Advisors
'Belief' is an interesting thing. Belief - Mental acceptance of a claim as truth (as pointed out here)
I think 'belief' is human race's greatest achievement. It is the belief which drives the world...the belief which will eventually end it. It is the belief that got us so far, it is belief that there will be a better world, it is the belief that keeps us progressing.
Sometimes, our dear friend called "life" throws at us problems that are annoyingly hopeless ("hope", my friend is another pain in the neck). Irrespective of how capable you are...believing that you can do it is in itself half battle won.
Belief leads to -> will-power leads to -> figuring-out-how-you-can-do-it leads to -> Doing what u once thought was impossible.
The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen. Although, remember that what you believe will depend very much on what you are.
I have seen it happen in my Life. There have been times when there was no hope...no strength... no courage, but for some unnoticed piece of intelligence in my not-so-abnormal brain I told myself "Ok! lets see if I can prove the obvious wrong". It was obvious that there was no light at the end of the tunnel...it was obvious that I couldn't have succeeded "just" on my ability. But, it was just that tiny spark of belief that I wanted to prove the obvious end wrong which soon turned into raw will power to succeed at any cost. And I did succeed... it was a lost battle that I won :) it felt good... better than any thing I ever tasted. The best part is, battles like these aren't some big profile things like tied-up-in-a-never-ending-court-case or getting-a-job or aiming-to-be-famous. Yes! those to come in the domain of "belief", but believing in yourself comes from everyday chores... and as the belief grows in you... you feel it in your life... its amazing when you come up with a solution after putting in so much effort. Its just unadulterated raw rush of happiness that flows in you the moment you get-what-you-want especially when you were once convinced that you were not capable of doing it. And, in case you don't succeed, it was still an amazing journey.
But... But... hold on... Believing in something is one thing, but blindly believing is something far more dangerous than not believing at all. As someone (might have) said "I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief ". We willingly believe what we wish. But, know what you are, know what you want... it is not always you-get-what-you-want, but trust me...the entire journey with "belief" by your side and "hope" in your pocket is worth anything that is the outcome of it.
There have been times when I would just not give up, work n work...go two days without food and sleep ... and at the end of the day wouldn't succeed in what I was doing. First time I felt bad, but then later the outcome didn't matter to me. It was the journey my friend... which was exciting as ever... it was that hope "will I or wont I?" ...followed belief "I believe I can fly... I believe I can touch the sky!" (with all respect to this) ...followed by will power "If birds can fly, even I can" ...followed by the anticipation (this is the part where your Adrenaline kicks in) "ok! so I am falling towards the ground... no sign of flight.. but still I believe I can fly...I believe I can touch the sky..." ...followed by the result "Thud! $%^&*#"
So, you see I just explained in layman's (rather laid-man's) terms the destination (stretcher) is not what really matters... its the journey(wooooosssh...thud!), its the quest...the quest so far! :)
As George Bernard Shaw (Yeah! he is my favorite, I quote him most of the time) once said, "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one".
Humans always wanted to believe in something...and I guess that is how religions were born... men always wanted to believe in someone...and I guess that is how God was born. I mean it God-was-born too! I don't know Religion or God... I know one thing... I believe in myself, and that is all that matters at the end of the day! :)
I am outright Broke! :D Sad?? Well just to cheer myself up...I am happy about it! The brighter side... no cash... no spendings. No spendings => 100% savings! Hence, I am saving money which I dont technically have! Isnt that amazing? :))
Okay... jokes apart...Im freaking broke! I havent recieved a pay check in weeks...and will not recieve any till 6th of March... well some SSN change_official_bullsh**! I hv to survive (at least)10 days with 5 bucks, worst of all, there are bills which are due...so as soon as I get cash..it leaves my hand to pay the bills...sweet aint it? Well thats life! :D
Well I couldnt be happier with my life... I am glad about it! :D The other day I returned home after 40 hours... 36 hours straight I was in the lab coding! I got up once to grab a sub n some soda. What was I coding? Some crossword solver which would use another SAT solver to solve/complete a crossword puzzle (given a dictionary, of course). 20, 000 words... And a million other CNF clauses to be generated and what not. Yea, it finally worked...at least worked to solve few small puzzles. I dint dare testing it on bigger ones... memory constraint n all other things.
I have 6 maggi packets left at home and 4 cans of beer... I hv 10 days to go... hmm... I hv few cookies n probably there is enough frozen veggies (common_grocery_account_shared_with_roomies). There were days I couldnt afford to eat outside because of time constraint, now I have the time but cant afford to eat outside! haha!
Is that the best you got...you sh** fuc**** coc* suc*** miserable piece of crap? (@ LIFE!)
Well, last time I asked "Is that the best you got?" to life... I had my limbs frozen! Last week...it was way below freezing (no snow, but really cold). I think it was -6 deg. cel. (but felt like -9) and so yours_truly forgot his jacket and sweater... on the way towards the lab (cursing myself)... I look at the sky and scream "Is that the best you got? huh? Is that all you can freeze me?" and....waaalah... a sudden gush of wind to freeze my limbs, nose and ear (mind you wind temperature is way lower). I look up humbly and say "Thank You!:D I couldnt have asked for more from Life" :)
So you see... all those mofos cursing "life" for no reason... remember one fuc**** thing-> There are others, who are fuc**** glad about the life they have, no matter what this Life throws(or rather blows) at them. And so I say to myself that I should be glad too, because there are people dying on some other corner of the world without food and water... At least I have those! Damn you fu**ed up swines who crib about Life not being fair to you, and ur girlfriend dumping you, or ur boss harassing you or u even fu***** losing your balls in a fight.
Oh and this semester so far has been sweet. I took three courses Declarative Methods, Advanced Wireless and Networking and Advanced Computer Integrated Surgery. Three as it may seem... but they are heavy! Declarative Methods is broadly AI + programming languages. Advanced CIS project is something to do with Cancer_Treatment-Radiation_Therapy ... but for those curious it is this. Advanced Wireless...no idea! I havent attended in 2 weeks.
I quit smoking for a month...then smoked for a week...n then quit for another week and then decided will smoke occasionally on weekends probably with beer. Weekdays, I want to stress myself out so that I can enjoy my weekends, but no stress :( Last sem I experienced all the troubles came at once, this sem I'm ready & mentally prepared to face it, but no stress. Although, the experienced seniors tell me not to lose hope, in another 2-3 weeks life will be slightly worse than hell :D It is the "hope" for a stress full & hectic life that is the driving force behind me.
Like I mentioned before, one of my courses is Advanced Computer Integrated Surgery... class strength is close to 12-15. All those who have given up on life are in this course. So I am doing a project with one Korean guy, one Irish+Aussie+British cocktail guy.....neither of us can understand each others accent... We will be doing our project at the Johns Hopkins Medical Institute (supposedly reputed), int the Department of Radiation Oncology. Ok, since the project something to do with cancer... I went to the hospital, I actually saw what they meant by "smoking causes cancer". I saw few cancer patients....there was one kid among those....who was 1/10th of me (width wise)....due to radiation...no hair on his body. Cancer is baad,it fu**ing kills people. But what to do, these companies cant stop producing tobacco, it is not my fault....because it is available to me, that's why I buy it! :p Fair enough? According to my project guide, I might have to fry few rats/mice ...fry in the sense irradiate them to collect their CT images and then reconstruct the 3D CT image on comp... whatever crap... But here is my super-sexy master plan, if my guide leaves me alone with the radiation equipment to cure cancer for 30 mins....Thats it...I be the radiating Mr. Pinak's lungs and....I will wipe clean all the damage done so far :D so that I can get back to smoking properly! :D Yes! to tell u this one sentence, I had to give one para explanation... appreciate it? no? >:P no body appreciates true genius! :D
PS: Yours_truly is looking for a Summer Internship. Anyone interested? Click here! PPS: Baah...this place sux. Hyderabad Rulz anyday!
School opens on Jan 30th. ...me busy eating, sleeping & watching lot of movies! I regularly visit library to borrow classic DVDS of all eras in Hollywood! During the daytime I go down to SPH to work. During the night I watch movies in the lab, drinking beer. The labs are usually empty, although there are surveilance cameras, but come on this is Intersession, everyone is "out" having fun! And, so I am "in" ;) hehe!
I got out of bed because I had to throw up. I'm really sick. I mean REALLY sick.
I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me hairy.
I'm so stoned.
Last night I had to go and pay Josh's bail. He's such a jerk. He got arrested for punching the Walmart clerk in the face for refusing to sell him beer. He's only 21!
I want to tell the world that my girlfriend is the bomb! She made pizza last weekend, and even though I burnt my lips on the cheese, it was awesome!!!
I am making this journal friends only because I don't want the world to read what I'm writing, even though I'm posting it on the internet.
I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have serious liver disorder, and that I got another few months.
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pinak's journal
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